OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
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It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.