“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
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Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.