Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
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It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.