It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
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Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
79.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
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Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
No, you typed your password instead of the amount in the payment window.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
brian had himself a morning…
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line