this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
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Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish