God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
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im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh