[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
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Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
X-tra spooky blend
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.