my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
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Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.