#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
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If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
I hate my earbuds.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life