A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
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riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.