ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
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I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
*serious situation*
My brain:
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….