Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
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I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
When taking your driving test:
1. Fasten seatbelt.
2. Adjust rear view mirror.
3. Ask examiner if he dropped 20 dollars on the floor, you’re quite sure it isn’t yours.
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.