angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
You Might Also Like
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
Welcome to the stomach
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?