me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
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boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”