Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
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-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
I might carry a baby with one hand.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time