the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
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My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.