They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
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girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss