Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
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my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
Smile they said.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.