[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
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yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
Weirdos gonna weird.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.