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Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…