me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
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Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.