“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
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My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis