friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
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Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn