Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
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A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39