Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
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Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
Home #decor warning.
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?