Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
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Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
💁🏻♂️
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.