Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
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Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids