Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
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i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
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Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.