[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
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Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
damn he’s good
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.