blocked.
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When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
When they try to steal your moment.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you