Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
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The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Worst bar ever.
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.