got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
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Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.