*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
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It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.