How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
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All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
I have a new favorite meme page
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.