The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
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me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
Hmm, not sure about this change
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
[the middle of showering] I need a break
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?