before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
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cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
In case you needed to hear it:
some Old Testament wisdom
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.