[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
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Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU