2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
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Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”