*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
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Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
This why you should mind your business
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer