I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
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Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*