I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
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It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
Put the is in disheveled
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
She was REALLY feeling it.
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
And now we wait
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized