Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
You Might Also Like
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
I bet birds love this building.
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair