It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
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A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
This fish is cracking me up
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?