One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
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If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
Weighing up my bread heating options
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.