If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
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How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.