WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
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I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
Brother?
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
Bros before Ohioes
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…