“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
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Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
you know what ruined my childhood? children
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.