An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
You Might Also Like
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
christening a ship with an overripe banana
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
Worth remembering.
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so