If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
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Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
shut up and take my money
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.