“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
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Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
Thinking about Jeff
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?